xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
