have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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