High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
