So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
