I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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