Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
a search helicopter?!
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
