Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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