When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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