everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
