omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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