a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
