I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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