Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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