Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
