I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
