I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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