Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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