Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
