I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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