if you like me you must not know who I am
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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