My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
