Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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