ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
