You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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