I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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