I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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