I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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