The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
