You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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