There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
