Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
