the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
