i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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