i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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