Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
