did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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