I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
