there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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