Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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