Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
