You made me cry and you don't even care
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
