I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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