Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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