He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
