I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize