I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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