life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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