broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
