Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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