Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
