your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
