Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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