i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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