Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
