3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
