i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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