So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
