Porn is love you can see.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
