dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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