You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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