A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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