I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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