If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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