If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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