The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My vagina just clenched in fear
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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