Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
