we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
