Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
