i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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